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Chumahassee County
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ObjectID: 133192
Pg. 1
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Year: 2012
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10 pages
Size: Letter
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Description Edit | History

From Introduction:

Ah, Chumahassee County...that flower, that peach, that jewel of the South. The storied history of Chumahassee County reaches back to colonial days when the first settlement of white folk were killed by the Chumahassee Indians, but eventually the Indians were The Notch....a rocky barren valley of little worth until the 1950s.

Later during the civil war, Chumahassee County saw exactly one battle; The Battle of the Lost Armies. There is some debate about the specifics, but apparently a Union battalion got lost in the mountains, while a Confederate battalion got lost in the forests. They met in the swamps, fought each other, and by all accounts died mostly from disease and ‘gators.

There is a monument in the town of Two Guns for the only boy from Chumahassee County to die during World War I.
He fought for the Germans.

Black Friday and the Great Depression had absolutely no effect on the county...everyone was dirt poor to begin with. Still, it sounded pretty scary to everyone, but most people spent their time discussing prohibition over jugs of moonshine.

The roaring 30s roared right past Chumahassee County.

World War II was quite and exciting time for Chumahassee County. A factory making rivets for the M3 Lee Tank opened just outside of Doghouse Junction. When it turned out that a riveted tank was no good, the factory closed much to everyone’s dismay. A bunch of boys went off to war, but only one came back and he became a local legend and hero, opening the first and only car dealership in the county, right in the county seat of Roachtown, which is still owned by the family to this very day.

The 1950s brought prosperity to Chumahassee in the form of US Route 125, an interstate highway. Several gas stations opened up, along with restaurants, and eventually fast food joints, and the off ramp sprawled into the largest town of Chumahassee County, the pride and joy, Beaver Lick.

Of interest, the US 125 was routed through The Notch, and the Chumahassee Indians became wealthy selling useless pieces of Native American crap at road side stands.

Radio made it’s first appearance in the county when station WRNG opened for business in 1964, in Beaver Lick, playing rock and roll music. The station was burned down within a week. A couple of months later, it reopened again, this time playing country and western. For years, it was the most successful business in the county.

County supervisors banned disco music during the 1970s. No one objected and it’s still banned today.

The 1980s to today brought attention to the county. A hiker lost on the Happaleechia Trail caught a Big Foot on video tape and it brought hoards of paranormal hunters to the county. Word got out about the natural hidden splendor, the local history, and color, and now the county is overrun with god-damn tourists, hippies looking to get baked in the woods, and Yankee hunters every spring and summer. The Indians finally got their revenge though: The Notch Casino.

Welcome to Beautiful Chumahassee County!

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