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It's a cold January afternoon, and Richard and Willy are sitting around in the office of the Sheehan and Associates Detective Agency. The place is heavy with stale smoke, stale booze, and stale dreams as they leaf through the form guide.
The local kids are making a racket out in the street -- probably throwing chunks of hard dirty snow at each other. There's a pause in the yelling, and the phone starts buzzing. The bulb for the internal line is flickering in time with the buzzing, and that means your secretary Aggie wants something. Hopefully it's not her back pay.
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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Startled by the phone, Richard butts his cigarette, glances at Willy, rolls his eyes, and snatches the handset from its cradle.
"Damn it Aggie, I told you I didn't want to be disturbed today! What is it?" he said into the mouthpiece with the snarl of a hang-over. Another long night at Mickey's Pub, and far too much of Kentucky's finest had left Richard sour on another day.
What's a "form guide" as named in the first paragraph?
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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Willy silently shakes his head, puffs his smoke and begins to absentmindedly shuffle his deck of cards.
I think it has to do with horse racing.
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"Sorry boss, but it's a client and she says it's important. You want I should send her in?"
The form guide is the horse racing section of the newspaper, predicting which nags will have good form this season.
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"Christ, this day couldn't get much worse. Thank-you Aggie, yeah, send her in."
Turning his beat up office chair to face Willy, and flipping his feet onto a desk decorated with coffee stains and ash, Richard muttered "A broad. Always a broad. And always with something important. 'Oh, little fluffy bunkins has run away from home. I must have my pomeranian back, Mr. Sheehan. Can you help me?' (he said in a mock falsetto) It's always shit like this, isn't it Willy?"
Any complaints about the use of a bit of colourful language as above?
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Swear away like the low-rent shamus you are.
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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Willy chuckles and cranes his neck to look out at the broad. He stares for a second before holding up the well-figured Queen of Hearts in his hand next to her. They're quite similar, save for the added clothes on the dame in the lobby.
"I'd be glad to save her Pomeranian..." mumbles Willy.
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Willy gets a good look at her as she helps herself to a seat. Late twenties, fur coat, long legs, and dark eyes. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
"Mrs Lana McCoy", she says, taking out a cigarette.
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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Willy bumbles, quickly offering her a light.
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"Mrs. McCoy, welcome to Sheehan and Associates. I assume this isn't a social call, but there's never a bad time for a drink. Bourbon, or bourbon? Richard asked, rising to cross to a battered steel filing cabinet, atop which sat the office's bar. Wiping out one of the crystal tumblers (if anything deserves respect, it's alcohol), Richard poured himself a strong triple, and awaited her reply.
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She refuses the bourbon then glances over her shoulder to make sure the door is closed. A real cool customer.
"I need you to be discreet about this, Mr Sheehan."
She nods ever so slightly towards Willy.
"You too, big guy."
She takes a drag on her cigarette.
"My husband Nick was involved in an automobile accident. It was pretty bad and he... well, he died in the ambulance on the way to hospital. After that I wanted to keep busy, to take my mind off it. So I got to work on the life insurance, but they wouldn't pay out. They said the crash was Nick's fault."
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"If there's one thing we're good at here, Mrs. McCoy, it's discretion. Mr. Wade here and I have an impeccable record on that matter." Richard said, returning to his office chair. "Please, have a seat."
Something didn't jibe with this dame. Who takes their mind off the death of their husband by filling out the insurance paperwork? A moment of contemplation, a sip of his drink, and Richard continued:
"You'd like us to prove the crash wasn't his fault? What makes you think so?"
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"My husband drove that route to work and back five days a week, Mr Sheehan. He knew those roads like the back of his hand. Something must have happened to him -- something you can prove was misadventure, not negligence."
She stubs out her cigarette.
"Will you take the case?"
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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Ice might not melt in her mouth, but after much careful observation Willy has determined that every inch of her long pins could easily boil water.
"Er, we'd be happy to help. Right boss?"
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"I can't promise you we'll come up with the answer you want Mrs. McCoy, but yes, we can look into your husband's accident." Richard picks up the phone, and barks into the mouthpiece: "Aggie, draw up a contract for Mrs. McCoy here. Standard rates and fees apply.
"Now, Mrs. McCoy, (can I call you Lana?) tell us everything you know."
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"Nick was driving to work like he always does when he had the crash. I wasn't with him... I had some friends coming over for lunch. The police said that he ran right off the road into a tree, and that they had no witnesses, and no evidence that another car could have been involved. The insurance company latched onto that and said my husband must have been driving negligently."
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"Go on." Richard said, pulling a battered notepad from his desk, and taking notes.
Sorry, got a little busy the last few days.
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"I need you to prove that it was an accident, and that my husband wasn't to blame. Maybe the city didn't maintain the tarmac, or maybe some drunk driver ran him off the road. Whatever it takes to clear his reputation and release the insurance money."
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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"Alright boss," Willy smiles a thousand watts at the broad, "I think we've taken enough of the lovely Mrs. McCoy's time. We should get to the gumshoeing."
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She takes a crisp hundred dollar bill out of her pocketbook and slides them across the table. She adds a card to the pile.
"That should get you started. Here's a number where you can reach me if you need anything more. In the meantime, I've got some arrangements to attend to. I'll show myself out."
Another glance at Willy as she heads for the door.
"So long, big guy."
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"What a piece, eh Willy?" Richard asked, knowing Willy's penchant for long legs and rich babes.
"I'll talk to my brother, Michael at the station house and get a copy of the accident report, and we should probably go out and have a look at the site of the crash. Whaddaya think, Willie?"
Edited to put the italics back in. 
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Byron Olson
United States
Ramsey
Minnesota
Soiled Short (n): A short film, often a commercial or PSA, that has been riffed MST3K style. See soiledshortz on YouTube for more info.
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Willy takes a moment to let the blood flow return to his brain.
"Sounds like a plan boss."
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"Why don't you go warm up the car?" Richard says as he reaches for the phone, dialing a number long seared into his brain.
"Hello, Roslyn? They've still got you running the phones there, do they? You're keeping everyone in line, I hope? Switchboard. Lifeblood of the Department. You know you were always my favourite, don't you Roz? Listen, can you put me through to Mickey?"
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Dick hears the distinctive pops and crackles of cables being replugged, followed by Mickey's phone ringing. He picks up after three rings.
"Sergeant Sheehan."
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Mark Atos
Canada
Gatineau
Quebec
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"Mickey, ya piece of crap! How are things at the house? I dunno how you manage to hold down a job with the cops, and your godforsaken watering hole..."
I love formatting edits.
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