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GCL MAFIA Plays Cheat Your Own Adventure (v2!): COWBOYS, ALIENS, AND SNAKE OIL!
Jim Parkin
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Welcome to Cheat Your Own Adventure -- COWBOYS, ALIENS, AND SNAKE OIL!

To check out the rules, look here.

Quick rules, if you don't want to read the link:

This game requires some limited use of the GeekRoller. 2d6 are rolled for Stamina checks, which happen during each time the game progresses. Stamina starts at 1 and the game ends when it reaches 12. Stamina increases with each successful addition to the geeklist.



1. The narrator writes a short piece of second-person fiction as a geeklist item.

2. The other players will present options as comments to the geeklist item.

3. After 24 hours (or when everyone posts), the narrator will choose an option by editing their geeklist item with the selection from the available suggestions.

4. The writer of the chosen option will create a new geeklist item for their Stamina roll and narration. If the Stamina roll is a success, go to Step 1.

5. If the Stamina roll fails, the original narrator will choose a second option. The writer of that option will create a new geeklist item and assume control of the narrative, returning to Step 1.



Don't forget to subscribe to this geeklist and thumb posts once you've read them.

The main list comments at the bottom of the page will serve as the OOC thread for the game.



Stamina Target: 12
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1. RPG Item: NMW07: Shooting Stars [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Jim Parkin
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STAMINA: AUTOPASS

You knew in your bones that any place called "Dank Gulch" should be avoided, but dadgummit, here you are. Old Pandy Aaronson sold you the map he found in a bottle that washed up near his ex-wife's cabin on Morro Redondo, and it leads to the old mine behind Dank Gulch, out in the wilds of southeastern California. The sun is hanging high overhead like a hovering parent, glowering at you in disappointment for the poor choices that led you here, all alone in a backwater without a real chance at accomplishing anything with yourself.


Well, at least you HAVE a map... that's something. There aren't many fellas in Dank Gulch, but there's a little saloon and general store up the street here, and a big yawning expanse of scorched dirt and shifting sand in every other direction. That, and a bunch of rumors says there's been some tiny folks showing up in people's homes out here, all funny-looking and gray.

Necroblaster3000 wrote:
To quench your thirst on some Dank Gulps at the saloon, turn to page 5



The next item will be Autopass, too, since the target is "2."
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2. Board Game: American Bar [Average Rating:5.75 Unranked]
United States
Yay Area
California
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STAMINA: AUTOPASS



All this traveling has made you mighty thirsty. You head over to the saloon. Scattered about are a couple of what you guess are locals gambling with cards and dice. A slightly larger group are moving papers around and talking in hushed tones. One in a not-so-quiet voice points at a drawing and says “I swears it looked just like this”.

The bartender stares at you “I said buy something or leave.”

“I’ll have a Dank Gulp.” you say with a smile.

Absolutely no reaction from the bartender.

You quickly order “... just a beer”. She pours you a pint, the beer has no color and small flecks of debris swim around the liquid. While she pours you also notice a crate of bottles behind her unmistakably the same bottle design as Old Pandy Aaronson’s bottle from where the map came from. Perhaps there might be something to this map.

She pushes the drink in front of you. Well it would be rude to decline and you still are incredibly thirsty. You push it down as fast as you can and try your best not to make a face.



The bartender smirks, "Did you need anything else?"

cferejohn wrote:
To sidle up to the poker table, Riker into the chair, and say "Deal me in boys, I'm feelin' lucky," turn to page 13.


ambierona wrote:
To go to the bathroom and relieve yourself of the beer, turn to page 43.
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3. Board Game: Little Storm in the Bathroom [Average Rating:6.17 Unranked]
Ambie
United States
San Mateo
California
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Stamina Target: 3 2d6 = (6 + 6) = 12

Author note: Wow... super passing. We are gonna go to the bathroom so well.

You feel the... drink... as it goes through your body, and excuse yourself to the washroom. You rush into the stall, barely making it as the drink and other contents of your stomach explode out of your mouth into the toilet.

After a few minutes, you start to get up but then notice a dirty slip of paper on the floor behind the toilet. You pick it up and inspect it. Looks like a treasure map, but you don't recognize any landmarks on it. It must be a map of somewhere you haven't been yet.

Curious, you start crawling around on the floor looking for other items that might be useful or valuable. After a few minutes of searching, you've filled your pockets with the following items: a paperclip, a magnet, a quarter, 3 nickels, 2 dimes, and a strand of yarn.

You remember to wash your hands before leaving the bathroom, but there isn't any soap. Oh well, at least you'll fit in better with the locals. When you walk back out into the bar you see the same patrons - the locals gambling, the group with the papers, and the bartender.

Dolus wrote:
Approach the larger group to ask about the whereabouts of the mine. Turn to page 37.
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  • 1387201. ambierona
  • 2d6 =
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  • Stamina Target: 3
  • Fri Nov 30, 2018 11:33 pm
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4. Board Game: Flick 'em Up! [Average Rating:7.03 Overall Rank:604]
Travis Dean
United States
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CA
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Stamina Target: 4 10

You approach the larger group, curious about what papers they're shuffling around. They don't seem to notice your approach. It's hard to see quite what they're looking at, but some sheets look like map pieces, and others are full of text scribbled all throughout. They're pretty caught up in conversation and they sound a bit annoyed. You overhear one say in a worrisome voice "I swear I thought I had it all. I was sure of it." You try to get their attention.

*ahem*

Their commotion stops suddenly as their heads turn to your direction, displeased to be interrupted. The panicked one from earlier frantically tries to grab the sheets and sheets of paper off from the table and pull it from view, but not before you see a hole in the map, that seems like it may be filled by the piece you found in the bathroom.

"You don't belong here" a gruff man says, chewing a cigar between his teeth.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," you say meekly, "but I came here looking for a mine."

A few of their eyes open wider. The gruff man clenches his teeth harder, nearly breaking his cigar.

"You see, I bought a map to this mine." You quickly whip out the map you bought from Old Pandy Aaronson. "And it should be around here, but I just haven't seen it anywhere. Maybe you can help point me in the right direction?"

They don't spend long looking at your map before the gruff man opens his mouth wide, cigar falling out. "Bwahahaha! I hope you didn't pay more than a half-pence for that there map. Where'd you get it? AAA? HA HA HA!"

"I- I don't understand. No, he said this washed up near his ex-wife's cabin. And it was in a bottle. It's a secret map."

"And let me guess? The bottle was gold and studded with diamonds. Haha. That man fooled you good."

"That mine is just across from this saloon. You couldn't have missed it. But good luck getting in there. There was a cave in over 40 years ago all but sealing the entrance."

"Heh, yeah. The last group that tried to clear the debris just caused a worse cave in. One guy was lucky to get out with only two broken legs. He'll never walk again. But the rest didn't make it out in time."

"Well, that wasn't the last group that tried to get it."

The gruff man interrupts the panicked guy with a hushed tone, but you can still overhear. "Shut up, Roberts! Those tiny people aren't real anyways. Don't give this fool any more ideas." He turns his head back to you. "Er, hum. Anyways, sorry to disappoint you. But there's nothing left here in Dank Gulp now with that mine closed. You'd best enjoy another one of those Dank Gulps and beat it outta town.

ambierona wrote:
To attempt to steal the map and papers that the group has, turn to page 33
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5. Board Game: Stop Thief [Average Rating:6.32 Overall Rank:3385]
Ambie
United States
San Mateo
California
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Stamina Target: 5 2d6 = (1 + 5) = 6

“Sure, I’ll get another Dank Gulp,” you reply as you stumble over to the man holding the map, bumping into him and sneakily grabbing it. Unfortunately, since he’s holding it pretty well and the whole table is watching, they notice what you’re doing.

“And what exactly do you think you’re trying to do?” the gruff one asks.

“Erm, I was just getting my map here...”

“Your map? Bwahahaha! This map is ours, boy. Nothing like your worthless paper there. Wait, what is that?” He notices the scrap of paper you’re holding from the bathroom and makes a grab for it.

You nimbly step aside. “This is my other map. Looks like it might help you though... how about I join your party here?”

The eyes all turn toward the gruff one. He ponders for a minute, and then grunts in acknowledgement. “Alright, it looks like you’re more resourceful than Roberts over here. You get his spot.” With that, he grabs the papers from the panicked one and pushes him away.

“Wait! I.. I can still help!” Robert stumbles, but the rest of the group has already turned away.

As Robert whimpers in the corner, you place the map piece in its spot with the other papers, and the entire map is revealed to you - instructions on how to get to the Mine of Wonders!

jshufelt wrote:
To steal a horse and ride to the cave, turn to page 63.
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6. Board Game: Horse Fever [Average Rating:7.00 Overall Rank:1379]
Joseph Shufelt
United States
Portland
Oregon
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Stamina Target: 6 | 2d6 = (6 + 3) = 9

You kick the door open to the outside world and you squint into the bright sunlight. It's time to get started.

The group is startled by the sudden sound of the door swinging, and everyone stares at you as you walk out the door, except poor Robert, who is still weeping.

The rough Dank Gulp drinkers get up and start hooting and hollering. One, in excitement even start shooting at the ceiling of the saloon. You untie and saddle up onto the first horse you see. It is embroidered with gaudy rhinestones that spell out Robert.

"Heya!" you shout, and the horse merely putters along. The rest of the gang starts riding, and they blaze past you, leaving you in a cloud of dust. You continue shouting, "Heya! Heya!", you start jabbing the horse with your sprues. The horse sits down, and starts to roll over like a dog begging for a belly rub. You slide out and stare at the horse.

"Well. It looks like you need a mighty steed."

You look around and see a donkey and nobody else.

"I may not be a quarter horse, but I can move a hell of a lot faster than that ass you're trying to kick. The name is Burrito. And you've got a map."

You look down in your hand, "So I do."

"I'll take you wherever you want to go, but you have to promise me two things."

"What's that?"

"First, when we're done, you buy me a bag of carrots. Second, if you jab those boot spurs into my side, I get to jab my hoof into your face. Deal?"

Dolus wrote:
Haggle with Burrito's offer. Turn to page 18.
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7. Board Game: Smart Ass [Average Rating:5.35 Overall Rank:16659] [Average Rating:5.35 Unranked]
Travis Dean
United States
Escondido
CA
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Stamina Check 7 2d6 = (4 + 3) = 7

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you your bag of carrots, but I get two free jabs with the spurs."

Burrito's eyes open wide. He drops his head, kicks his hoof on the ground and charges. The top of Burrito's head collides into your stomach, sending you back on your rump, winded. Burrito lifts his head and stares at you, kicking his hoof against the ground. He seems to be getting ready for another charge.

Still winded, you struggle to get some words out. "*wheeze* W-w-w- *wheeze* Wait- I" You're still gasping for air, "I agree. *wheeze* No spurs."

Burrito lifts his head and turns around "Brilliant! Then hop on my back and let's ride! I've always wanted to say that."

You pull yourself aboard Burrito, and still coughing, point in the direction of the mines. Your mighty steed gets off to a slow but steady gallop. You spread your legs to kick your heels in, when you feel Burrito come to a sudden stop. Oh yeah, bad idea. You rest your feet back along the sides, and Burrito resumes his steady pace. You definitely won't catch up to the rest of the gang at this pace, but at least it's slow enough you can look at this map.

As you start pulling out your sheets of paper, you finally start realizing something.

"A talking donkey. You're. You. What?!"

"Yes. That's me, a talking donkey. What of it?"

"But. I mean. How? Donkey's don't speak?"

Your still absent-mindedly spreading out the map on the donkey's back in front of you as you try to come to terms with what's really going on.

"Oh yes. I know. Cause a Donkey is too stupid to speak hooman. Like I wanted to be like this. I was cursed to"

"Cursed!? You mean, what? A witch turned you into a Donkey? That's horrible!"

"NO! Cursed to be a donkey? Pfsh. You could wish to be so fortunate. No! I was cursed to only speak hooman. Now I understand you awful lot. It's unbearable. But at least I still have my handy donkey hooves and will get to see this magic cave you hoomans speak of. Hey! That wasn't a spur I felt, was it?"

"What, no!" You're almost too quick to say. "Wait a minute, it says here. Let me see if I can make it out, it's tattered. To enter me, one must return to before I caved. To wind back, you too must wind back. 112 paces out, walk back to me, but do not look. Enter me you will, as I once was. What could that mean?

Burrito mutters quietly, "Typical hooman. Can't understand simple instruction. Bah."

Something else catches your eye under that corner of paper. Then the corner falls in, and seems to plummet to the ground.

"Hey, I dropped a piece of my map!"

Suddenly the map seems to hurry off, as if being dragged away, with tiny bobs along the way. Then it crumples from the middle and disappears into a small hole in the ground.

"My map! It went into that hole!"

"Map, shmap. We probably already know the important parts anyways. Besides, the mine is within sight now."

You look up ahead and sure enough, the mine is just a couple hundred yards away now. You can make out what appear to be horses from the Dank Gulp drinkers, but you don't see the people themselves. They must be nearby.

Necroblaster3000 wrote:
To sob angrily then dig your spurs into Burrito, "NO, we get the map back! It's all I have left in this world."

turn to page 51
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  • 1390423. Dolus
  • 2d6 =
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  • Sun Dec 9, 2018 12:09 am
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8. Board Game: Tears of a Goddess [Average Rating:6.80 Overall Rank:7063]
United States
Yay Area
California
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Stamina Check 8 to pass 2d6 = (2 + 6) = 8

“Map, shmap? Map, shmap?!!? You have no idea what I’ve been through. That map means everything to me!” Tears stream down your face as you struggle to get the words out of your shaky voice. You dig your heels into Burrito. Burrito squeals in pain. "NO, we get the map back! It's all I have left in this world."

Burrito jumps, buckles until you’re thrown on the ground. As you struggle to get up you notice Burrito’s behind as he winds his leg up and greets your face with an explosion of hoof. It instantly knocks you out.

Hours or days later you can’t tell which you wake up in the same spot. Burrito is there ignoring you. As you brace for another hit he responds, “ a deal is a deal, no more spurs no more hoof in the face”.

“Why are you still here?” you ask Burrito. “I don’t know what it is but there is something special between us. I lied before, I can’t actually talk human. But somehow in the past hundred years you’re the only person to ever understand me. That’s got to mean something right?”

You massage the massive lump on your head. “I guess, but what?”

“You came here looking for something in that mine. Well I’m the one that put it there several decades ago. But there is some voodoo in that mine. Don’t know what it is but it changes people. Those little grey folk people been talking about that’s the mine’s doing. It turned me into a gorilla at first and when I tried to go back in and figure out how to change back it turned me into a donkey. I’ve been avoiding the mine but maybe you’re the key somehow. It’s why I said you don’t need the map. I can get us in.”

“So say we go to the mine. What’s in it for me? What’s the treasure? What if it turns me into chicken and I’m left with nothing again?”

“My last big heist. 20 solid gold bars and jewelry from every bank I ever robbed. Should be more than enough to start a new life. I can’t guarantee the mine won’t change you into something you don’t like. But you won’t be left with nothing.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll always have me.”

“In that case promise me one thing.”
You move in to brush his coat. “You promise me that whatever happens you won’t leave my side.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” a single tear sparkles as it falls from his eyes.

“HEY, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO THAT DONKEY LIKE THAT?!”, bellows the familiar sound of the leader of the Dank Gulpers from behind you.

Annowme wrote:
To ask the Dank Gulpers why they aren't talking to donkeys like that, turn to page 19.
#dead

ambierona wrote:
To play dumb and pretend that all of you are donkeys, turn to page 33
#hopefullynotdead
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  • Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:23 pm
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9. Board Game: De Vulgari Eloquentia [Average Rating:7.26 Overall Rank:888]
Jim Parkin
United States
Stow
Ohio
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Stamina Target: 9 2d6 = (6 + 1) = 7

"You're telling me you don't speak ass?"

You call out to the Dank Gulp Banditos, or whatever catchy name they've made for themselves at this point, and they raise their eyebrows collectively at you. One of them reaches for a big pistol on his hip.

Burrito looks at you, skeptical, but shakes his head and doesn't interject. You nudge him, expecting some backup, but he turns around to present you and the rest of the humans with his better side. You sigh.

"No, not from your asses, speak the ass language."

More silence. You begin to sweat. Is this not making sense?

One of the Gulpers lifts his gun and waves it in the air, threateningly. "Y'all is the stupidest person I ever heard of, talkin' like that. You hand over your map and leave your dumb donkey out of it. The hell you think you'd beat us to the mine at this point on that idiot animal, anyway?"

Burrito turns back to you, aghast that you're letting these mean men talk about him this way. He trots forward, then spits angrily at the ground in front of the horse bearing the Dank Talker. "Hey, you big dopes, I am a person too. I have needs!"

"Tell yer donkey to shut it! Stop that brayin' and spittin', aight?" The Dank Gulpers begin yipping and circling you and Burrito on their horses, perhaps as an intimidation tactic. Burrito is not one to spook easily, and runs forward, turning quickly, and proceeds to kick the Dank Talker right off of his horse. The others hoot and holler, then toss a few lassos over you and Burrito both. Cinched together, you and Burrito slam into each other and flop to the ground, then start to get dragged behind the posse as they ride towards the mine.

After a few moments of getting dust shoved down your throats as you flail together behind the Dank Gulpers, you black out, awaking later, somehow hung over a cliff by a rope strung up over the branch of a dead tree. You and Burrito stare at each other, exhausted, sunburnt, and otherwise entirely confused how you so quickly got bushwhacked like you did. The posse from town are nowhere to be seen, though there is a little gray man sitting crosslegged about thirty feet away. He waves at you, but says nothing.

"I'm sorry I got you into this, Burrito."

"It's alright, boyo. Those punks would have done this to us either way."

You sniff, saddened that your mad quest for wealth led not only to your own eventual death, but also that of the only talking donkey you've known in your short lifetime.

"Chin up, kid. Don't forget the essence of your sparkle."

"Burrito, I lo--"

SNAP!

The rope breaks and you and Burrito plummet off the cliff, down into the white-water rapids of the Dank River.

You are dead.



I've updated the stamina target on the header for the list item after next, but the NEXT entry will be an auto-pass, because we done cheated.

Necropostman, you get to pick another entry from your options, above.
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  • 1391510. Annowme
  • 2d6 =
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  • Tue Dec 11, 2018 5:24 pm
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10. Board Game: Donkey Derby [Average Rating:5.88 Unranked]
Ambie
United States
San Mateo
California
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Stamina Target: 9 Nah we're cheaters!

"What do you mean? We all talk to each other all the time."

The leader looks around, a little confused. "But... it's a donkey. You can't talk to a donkey."

"Uhh... yes I can. You're the same."

"What do you mean I'm the same? I can't talk to donkeys!"

"No, I meant you're a donkey too. You all are. And I've been talking to you all this time."

"Erm no... I'm a human. ... I think."

You look at him pityingly. "Oh no, you're confused again. You've had this recurring dream where you're human and sometimes when you wake up you forget who you really are. But don't worry, you'll be back to normal soon enough. Well, if you don't mind, I'm ready to go in the mine now."

The leader looks down at his hands and feet. "Okay, I think you're full of crap. You're not going in that mine, we are." He pushes you to the ground and dashes toward the entrance to the mine, with the rest of the gang hot on his heels.

As you get up, you see the gang enter the mine. Once the last person is through the entrance, a swirl of light consumes the entire group, and you start to hear braying. When the light dissipates, the Dank Gulpers are gone, and all that remains is a herd of donkeys. They scatter out of the mine, braying and squealing in fear.

"Wow... you are the key!" exclaims Burrito. "You said they were donkeys and the mine turned them into donkeys! You must control the powers of the mine!"

You're still unsure, but Burrito starts pushing you toward the mine.

Dolus wrote:
Clear your mind and enter the mine with Burrito free of thoughts. Turn to page 12.


More cheating!

Necroblaster3000 wrote:
To leave the mine and gather all the donkeys and fool more people into the mine to amass a donkey army turn to page 117.

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11. Board Game: Gold Mine [Average Rating:5.83 Overall Rank:9817]
Travis Dean
United States
Escondido
CA
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Stamina Target: 10 2d6 = (3 + 5) = 8

"You're right, Burrito. I am the chosen one. I am ready for this. Let's go. Heya!"

"I'm gonna let that one go cause of what you're doing for me. But don't dig those spurs into me again. Now remember, turn me back. I want to be normal again."

Burrito charges forth. Definitely much faster and more determined this time. The other donkeys run past you. You sit up tall, spread your arms wide, and close your eyes. Clear your head. Clear your mind. Think happy thoughts. Think happy. No. Stop it, stop thinking. No thoughts. Clear your mind. You open your eyes and see the mine just up ahead. The light is so bright, so shiny. The light engulfs you. It is blinding. You feel weightless, like your floating. No. Tumbling. Rolling? You come to a stop, sitting with legs outstretched, and plant your hands on the ground to steady yourself.

Your vision is returning to you, but the color is still gone. Everything is so gray. No wait, brown. The sand is still brown. But, everything else is gray. Is that, you? Your arm, your hands, your skin is gray! You look up panicking and see another person next to you. It looks like those tiny folks people have been talking about. But he isn't tiny. He's big! At least as big as you are!

More of them appear, running at you, past you, then moments later they run past you again. All bickering so you can't make out what they say. They're carrying away some oversized clothing and map pieces. YOUR clothes and map pieces! But, why are the clothes so massive?

Suddenly the first figure sees you, and the piercing gaze he gives you sends a shiver down your spine. When he opens his mouth, a shrill sound comes up, but you seem to understand him.

"You! You- I trusted you. I had faith in you. You did this to me! You turned me into one of them."

The figure lunges at you, tackling you the rest of the way to the ground and pummeling his fists and knees into your face and gut. As if that wasn't bad enough, something past the figure catches your eye. A massive ball of brambles and thorns is rolling your direction. What is that? But there's no time to think about that, as Burrito lifts you by the shoulders and throws you into that brambly mess. You get caught up in the middle, thorns tearing and ripping your naked flesh. The momentum of the ball is overwhelming, continuing to roll and bounce with you stuck inside. The motion makes you hurl, but the vomit falls back on your face. Every rotation you see Burrito, glaring at you with that angry look. Getting smaller and smaller as you roll further and further away. Each tumble cutting you further on thorns.

The End
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12. Board Game: Who's the Ass? [Average Rating:6.09 Overall Rank:4328]
United States
Yay Area
California
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“Woah, steady there, Burrito. I’m not as confident as you are about this “chosen one” thing as you are. Perhaps we test it a bit more and see what happens.”

“But they turned into donkeys just like you said!”

“All I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt for us to experiment with this whole mine situation a bit more. “

You manage to nudge the horses into the mine and POOF they turn into donkeys.

“The treasure in that mine is nothing compared to the magic surrounding it. Let’s go back to town to see if we can’t convince a couple more people to come this way.”


“Why?! What more proof do you need?”


After some hours, yelling at donkeys and eventually using, Burrito, as a donkey translator promising carrots you manage to gather the herd of donkeys back to town.

You spin a long yarn about finding the treasure and the Dank Gulpers dying in a cave in. The treasure is too heavy to carry out alone and you need help to get it out. You're willing to share the location in exchange for the help. Every one jumps at the chance and before you know it they are at the mine being changed into donkeys.




“What more do you have left to prove? Change us back already and take the treasure.”


“I don’t want the treasure. I WANT THE WORLD!” you cackle maniacally.

“And you can’t change back, look I’ll go with you.” You cross your fingers behind your back and walk into the mine with Burrito and nothing happens. You walk further in and nothing.

You smile at, Burrito, “Now accept your reality. We will gather the rest of the donkeys and we will go around pillaging every town. They won’t expect an army of donkeys to reign hell upon them. Then we turn them into donkeys. The cycle will continue. We will rule this world!”
Annowme wrote:
To promise Burrito you will never heel a single donkey ever again, but also demand total obeisance to your plans for donkeypocalypse, turn to pages 3, 7, 33, 63, 71, or 666.

zombie #YouOnlyDieOncePart3 #RevengeOfTheReturnOfDeadAgain zombie

Dolus wrote:
Start a traveling carnival where you turn people into donkeys. Turn to page 667.


#BurritoReloadedEvenMoreBurrito #BurritoByTheDozen
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13. RPG Item: The Tomb of the Donkey God [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Jim Parkin
United States
Stow
Ohio
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"Burrito, I came to this hellscape desert looking for the promise of treasure, but instead, I found a talking donkey. I thought I was destined for sadness and rejection, what with how the tables turned with the Dank Gulpers, but this--" you sweep your hand towards the mine, then the herd of donkeys braying and bucking about, "--this is more than treasure, it is POWER OVERWHELMING."

{MOOD MUSIC}

You lift up a small handful of sand from the desert floor, then walk forward into the mouth of the mine. Casting in the sand, the air all but explodes with the sudden creation of nearly a hundred more donkeys. You turn and face Burrito with madness in your eyes. Stormclouds begin to swirl above you, and after pumping your fist, a lightning bolt arcs down from the sky and strikes the ground. A dozen donkeys flop onto the sand where it connected with the earth. You throw your head back, laughing maniacally. Marching forward, you begin to summon an entire army of donkey simulacra from the mundane stuff of the desert. Burrito follows, looking sheepish and fearful, and tries to interject, but you swing your hand back, and an unseen shockwave knocks him onto his ass's ass along with several other donkeys.

"ALL DIMENSIONS! ALL REALITIES ARE OPEN TO ME!" you shout, becoming increasingly drunk with power. You lift up a stone, and with your focused will, it turns into a tall glass of Dank Gulp. You drink it greedily, then conjure another, splashing it over your face, laughing with a snarl.

Burrito trots up to you, imploring you to stop, but you turn in crazed rage, your eyes bloodshot and speckled like the Dank Gulps, themselves. "Stop it! This isn't you!" Noticing something, he continues in a panic. "Oh, oh yes! More Dank Gulps! That's what you want!" You wordlessly nod, your face a rictus of insanity. Two more Dank Gulps appear--one in each hand. You dump them on yourself as thunderbolts crackle around you and donkeys spring as if from the head of Zeus with each electric crackle. Your eyes blur with the speckles of the admittedly-really-gross beverages, and the effect begins to spread all over your body.

You begin to sizzle, screaming, until you are reduced to a pile of ash. In a stiff breeze, all of the donkey simulacra disappear into motes of brown-white dust, and the desert is quiet and empty, execpt for Burrito, who sincerely mourns your passing.


You are dead.
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14. Board Game: Pinocchio: True or False [Average Rating:5.42 Overall Rank:14158]
Travis Dean
United States
Escondido
CA
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Stamina Check: 11 11d1 = (1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1) = 11

With all of Dank Gulch citizens now donkeys, it's time to hit the next town. Unfortunately the next town is a couple Might as well make use of your donkey army. You mount one of your spare donkeys, one that won't object to spur kicking, and with Burrito by your side, high tail it to the next town over. Your menagerie of donkeys following in tow.

Upon reaching the next town, you tell people of the great wonders and treasures discovered in the mines. Treasures so rich, the residents of Dank Gulch could not recover it all by themselves. You brought donkeys to hasten the travel of any volunteers to the mines. Not everyone volunteers. Some are skeptical, and some simply aren't interested, but you do get a handful of eager volunteers right away. No matter, you can take the easy prey first, and come back for the dissenters. With promises of riches, they don't hesitate to hop aboard your donkeys. Most of these people never even owned a donkey! You all ride fast and hard back to the mine and send them in droves into the mine. No sooner does the last rider run into the mine than all the donkeys come tumbling out, crashing on top of each other as they spill out. The amount of donkeys spilling out at once put a lot of pressure on the mine, some rocks at the entrance even coming loose and falling to the ground.

You're beginning to realize this is going to take a while. This trip took a few days, and was the nearest town over. You're going to have to figure out a better solution. We'll put a pin in that. At least you got most of the men, it's time to go back for the women and children. How will you draw them in? Lie about a cave in and they need to come rescue their family and friends? But with so many children, they wouldn't bite. Perhaps spread stories of how they're getting so rich, they don't have time to come back. Yes! Riches. Promise of riches. That'll work.

You don't quite reach the town before you see a caravan leaving the town. Perfect! More victims, er, volunteers for your donkey army to take over the world! And that's a pretty big wagon they have. Perhaps you could use that wagon to carry the mine out. Now there's an idea. You head towards the caravan and approach the wagon master. As you are passing by the wagons, you see printed on the side "Barnum's Traveling Circus." He doesn't seem too happy, but you strike up a conversation.

"Say, where are you headed with that big wagon back there?"

"Anywhere but here. This is usually such a great town for our circus. But it seems so deserted now. Just a handful of people and they seem too distraught to enjoy a circus. I don't know what happened, but we need to find ourselves a good crowd and soon. There aren't many places to go out here in the desert."

The gears in your head are turning and you realize this is a perfect opportunity to lure the man to Dank Gulch.

"Well I'm sure glad I ran into you! I'm from over in Dank Gulch and we sure could use a Traveling Circus!"

"Dank Gulch? Sorry, kid, but I've been there and nobody there likes a circus. And they also ain't got no money and the beer there is awful. Not gonna happen."

"Oh no, there are loads of people there. Many from this town even! In fact, they've been working in that mine that just reopened. They'll love a break such as this! And there'll be plenty of riches to share after what treasures they're pulling out of that mine! I can't argue about their drink though. That hasn't gotten any better." Best not to push your luck too far, you suppose. Sprinkle some truth so the lies about the people and the mine will be easier to swallow.

"Hmm... Well, I'll give it a shot. We could use a boost in sales and entertainment. I sure hope you're not pulling my leg, cause another trek like this one with no payout could ruin the circus. But if the mine truly is reopened, and that would explain why so many people in this town are now missing, I'll give it a shot."

You hold back a maniacal laugh, but are definitely showing a devilish grin on your face.

Come! I'll lead the way. You turn on your donkey and lead the way to back to Dank Gulch, and to the mines.

When you get there, Barnum gets off of his wagon and walks over to the mine.

Things don't seem... right. The town over there looks like a ghost town, and... why are there so many donkeys? And this mine, the entrance doesn't look open. It doesn't seem to go very deep. You said this was reopened?

Panic starts to set in, as you hadn't prepared for this. Should you just shove him in? Yes, that's it. You should just shove him in. You start coming up behind him. He walks closer towards the mine, inspecting the rubble that collapsed out from the mine in the latest donkey eruption. He picks up one large rock, inspecting it. While he is distracted you close in far enough to shove him. Your hands are raised up, about to push, but the ringmaster's body starts sprouting hair everywhere. Long ears come out from his head, and his ringleader coat starts to tear. Before your very eyes, he turns into a donkey. From touching a piece of the mine! This is it! This is the answer! Yes, mine the mine itself, and you can bring the rocks to the people to turn them into donkeys!

Ahhhh! He turned Barnum into a donkey!

Your train of thought is interrupted by this scream. You turn around to see chaos from the rest of the caravan. Of course! How could you be so stupid? Barnum wasn't the only one, there's a whole caravan of people! But you can be quick to act. You call your donkeys to attention and order them to bring the people to the mine. Or loose rocks to the people. You start turning them left and right into donkeys, but some continue to evade capture. You certainly can't let them escape. But, wait a minute. This will look suspicious, won't it? Armies of donkeys running a caravan carnival? Perhaps you need some of these people to remain to work for you.

"STOP! You have seen my power. You have seen what I can do. I have defeated Barnum. I am Barnum now. Yes, I am your new Barnum. You will server me. You will run my carnival as we amass more donkeys into our army. Surrender and accept this fate, or you will suffer the same fate suffered by the rest of Dank Gulch."

It's clear they want to dissent, but they are too scared. They don't dare to defy you. The few that do, you surround them with donkeys and lodge a rock at them to turn them into a donkey. But you leave the rest of the humans normal to run your circus.

As for the mine, you work quickly with some of your more muscular donkeys to heave themselves into the mine walls, causing more breakage and more rocks to fall. You have your donkeys collect these rocks and stash them in a pile in the ringleader's wagon.

As you look on your creation, your donkey carnival ready to be unleashed on the world, you hear a voice. One that you haven't heard in quite some time. You look and see Burrito talking. "I don't like this. This isn't right. This isn't what the mine was meant for."

Ha ha! You're so cute, Burrito. You'll understand. You'll understand soon, enough.

jshufelt wrote:
To try and become a state of independence from the United States and form "The Donkey's Republic of Dank Mojave" and then declare war against the United States, Mexico and the Habsburg Monarchy, turn to page 843


Actually, wait. No. War would be stupid. There's no way we could take down the Habsburg Monarchy.

To slaughter Burrito as the first product in your new high end Donkey butcher shop, turn to page 33
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15. Board Game: Spoils of War: Singing Donkey [Average Rating:5.75 Unranked] [Average Rating:5.75 Unranked]
Joseph Shufelt
United States
Portland
Oregon
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Stamina Target: 12 | 2d6 = (4 + 3) = 7

Now moblized with a donkey carnival, you decide it will be best to get Burrito join your cause. So you work with him to draft a declaration of independence, telling Burrito it would only be fair for him to be Vice-Ceaser of the Donkey's Republic of Dank Mojave. A move that would not only anger the United States and Mexico, but would especially anger Texans.

So along with your declaration of independence, you immediately mobilize your donkey army to the boarders you declare and start pushing fronts.

And because you just never cared for Vienna, you declare war on the Hasburg Monarchy - which do your surprise is actually now the Austro-Hungarian Empire. You fool.

You thought it would be a war of conquest, but it's turned into attrition as you bit off more than you could chew. To absolve himself from war crimes, Burrito collaborates with the United States government to put a stop to your tyranny.

Nevertheless. Despite the betrayal, you continue to wage war, putting a bounty on Burrito, declaring that you have a special set of spurs just for his weak thin-skinned hide.

War turns south. You try to muster more donkey troops by sending POWs into the Cave. That had worked well at first, but black-ops Mexican units set off explosives at the mouth of the cave. The cave erupts like a volcano, sending the spirits of all that it had transformed into the world, haunting those who sent them into the cave.

You are left restless under the constant haunting of the spirits of millions of people. The Dank Gulpers finally get their revenge against you. They begin to creep into your mind, sending pain.

You start crying out in pain, and suddenly, light flashes. The heat of the sun bares against you.

You wake up from an awful dream. You are in the wilds of south eastern California in a place called "Dank Gulch."

Turn to page 1
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16. Board Game: Magical Restaurant [Average Rating:5.86 Unranked]
Ambie
United States
San Mateo
California
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Stamina Target: Autopass we win!


There isn't much room left on page 33, so you realize you have to be quick if you're gonna make it out on top. Before Burrito can complain any more, you take the tightrope from the circus and use it to strangle him quickly and humanely. It's time to live out your childhood dreams of being a hunter, butcher, and chef!

You've never tried donkey meat before, or magical human/donkey meat, so it takes you a few months to experiment with different recipes until you've discovered the perfect flavor. People come from all over the world to try food from your Magical Donkey Restaurant. "Try a bite and you'll never want to leave!" And they don't leave. For the exit of your restaurant goes directly into the mine, so satisfied customers can become the next delicious meal. You're finally living the dream, and you (and only you) live happily ever after.
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