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Minions, Inc. (2010)

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PDF Version 11.05.2010
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Year: 2010
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54 pages
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From Introduction:

Welcome to Minions, Inc.

#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the even the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, "Wow, that guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."?
#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it's like you were reading my mind.
#21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
#24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner and lacks ties to friends and family.
#21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.
--Venture Bros. "Hate Floats"

Thank you for choosing Minions, Inc. We are a placement firm for individuals looking for something a little different. Minions, Inc. matches people with a flexible moral code with employers who are looking to provide more than just a job. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. It will never be the same.

Ok, here’s the deal. That text in black is the marketing material that is distributed to the “Employer’s.” If you want the real deal, then you need to listen to me.

Let’s be honest. You didn’t decide to become a minion because you were looking to play it safe. It takes a special kind of person to make it in this field. Being a minion is a little being a military contractor, but without the moral ambiguity. The stakes are high, but the rewards are worth it. We will teach your important

Joining the ranks of “costumed aggression” is a great gig as long as you learn the rules and keep your wits about you. Remember, you are working for yourself. "Employers" come and go, but the job remains the same. Stay alive. Earn a living. Have fun. Everything else is bonus.

In the world of costumed aggression, there are people with the drive and the desire to be Villains. They have a vision or a burning need to accomplish some grandiose plan. Then there are the people who actually make it happen. That would be you.

While you’re not a "good guy", letting the Employer succeed at destroying the world is not a good idea. Where else are you going to keep all of your stuff?

This is a dangerous profession. Your employer is probably unstable. The people sent to stop him barely consider killing minions to be murder. Finally, some of the stuff that you will be asked to do is just downright dangerous. But let me ask you this. Have you fired a giant laser beam? Have you ever piloted a robot ninja? Do you want to? That’s what I thought.

Dangerous. Yeah, no kidding. Job #1 is don't die. You will learn to duck blame, pass along failure, and even fake your own death. You are basically meat behind a mask. If you can avoid being kill “on screen”, then you will probably be ok.

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