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Knights & Legends - The Lost Relics of Ezora» Forums » Sessions

Subject: Session 2 - Bitchin'! rss

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Shardra The Castrator
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Just Girls
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Scenario preparation - Optimize the 22,080 KB PDF to remove all the staggering, pointless bloat; presto, the 817 KB PDF actually loads and scrolls. Even on my phone. Still seems kinda large for the content.

I didn't want to play this. I'd sworn off the game much like I swore off Krokodil after my leg rotted and fell off. But the Proverb (26:11) says "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly". God, Thou knowest me so well. I lost my other leg also to Krokodil and my remaining spirit also to this game. They both are very similar, you know, Krokodil and this game. Then, the posturing of [person] and the relentless assertions that his is the perfect game perfected and then perfected some more convinced me to give it another go. He's been irresistibly fascinated by me, following me about to every nook of the internet. Responding to every little thing I do. Attacking every little thing I touch, reporting it to the authorities, and trying to rob me of my voice. Typical mysoginist. But, it's nice to have a paparazzi. Even a very amateurish, inept, boorish, and nearly illiterate one. It makes me feel like I need to close the blinds before I toilet. If you see me in a tabloid photograph, I assure you normally I am more put together.

We thought the ''Shadow Lords Campaign'' was vacuous. It was good preparation for this irresistible splatter of vomit. The characters/players in this scenario get to make exactly zero decisions that matter. Even when you're given a decision point, the narrative over-rides your decision in the very next sentence. It's not really an adventure scenario at all. It's an awful story presented as if it were a scenario. The entire session consisted of the Game Master reading what we do and what happens next. The only saving grace is that the actual adventure itself is brief - six pages. Six pages of script that your characters will follow, no matter what. We saved the worst for last.

While ''The Shadow Lords Campaign'' was so bad that it was funny, that lunatic fringe aspect is not present here. The writing is noticeably "better" (I use the comparative only due to limitations of language). It's obvious that a person who has a basic grasp of English took a stroll through the text and knocked off most of the sharp corners of Google translate. This unfortunately has the effect of making the scenario not just bad, but also sterile. While we really tried to get into the spirit of mockery, it just didn't happen with this one. It was a long, boring, painful session spent suffering with one of the worst games ever published.

I should mention that Mlle I. refused to play again - "e refuzova atë lojë" - so Mlle P. ran two at once.

We used the same characters from our previous adventure, now dressed in armor! During the setup, we are re-educated - we learn our armored, knighted women are now mercenaries with no allegiance to anything. Even though lauded as heroes and given titles by the grace of the Sovereign King of Vancroft, Marcus Sexestus, we don't care about that. Even though, long ago... weeks ago..., when I was merely a naked peasant I had "always dreamed of becoming a knight or high servant to the King"... I guess it wasn't all that great after all. We learn that we became an adventuring party in the Port Town of Valyria, not at the gates of the Kingdom of Vancroft as previously discovered through play. It's possible that we all misremember things because we met seven days ago and we've been drinking ever since. As the eighth straight day in the tavern approaches, we're hired by an Elvan girl wearing huntress garb. We invite the sexy Elvan to sit down and explain the details. She stands. She wants us to go and recover two magic items (the two titular relics). One will have to be taken by force; the other can be secured by whatever means we deem necessary (that means by force, also, because the scripted adventure gives us no other choice). She offers us a bunch of money substitute if we succeed, and even fronts us a bunch of money substitute (this turns out to be a good thing).

We now come to the first major decision point in the scenario, which is not a railroad. We can get the one item first, or we can get the other item first. Whichever item we didn't get first, we then get it second. Or so it says. Whatever we decide, however, the scenario forces us to get the first item first and the second item second. And then we return. See? Totally wide-open sandbox. Suddenly the Elvan girl wearing huntress garb is gone - slunk out of the tavern hastily "without attracting much attention." I'm sure we're so plastered after seven days we wouldn't notice if she'd done backflips out of the tavern. It's how all sexy Elvan girls function - appear out of nowhere, tease you with a spot of dalliance, and then they're gone back to nowhere. So elusive. So satisfying. So Elvan.

It develops that we know exactly how to get to where we want to go, and we depart forthwith to recover the first relic first (even if we had used our enormous flexibility to decide to recover the second relic first). The sandbox shrinks a bit - it's more like a litter box, full of icky cat stuff. As we cut across Harpy Valley we are attacked by (you may have guessed it) a left Harpy and a right Harpy. They dive down and initiate a battle phase. That's fancy wargamer talk for an attack. You have to develop a game for hundreds of hours over many years to figure out how to change an attack into initiating a battle phase.

Shardra - HP 55; Str 15; End 10; Spi 7; Spe 5
Mlle P. - HP 47; Str 14; End 13; Spi 9; Spe 4
Mlle I. - HP 51; Str 18; End 18; Spi 6; Spe 4
Mlle J. - HP 48; MP 9; Str 10; End 9; Wis 8; Spi 7; Spe 5

Left Harpy - HP 22; STR 10; END 8; SPI 5; SPD 4
Right Harpy - HP 18; STR 10; END 7; SPI 5; SPD 4

Harpies are slow. Having previously learned the power of the Super Ability when we carved up the dragon, we repeat that tactic here.

Shardra - Chop of the Twenty Blades D20 (12) + D12 (10) + D10 (5) + D8 (2) + D6 (6) + 1 - 8 = 28; Left Harpy... down...
Mlle J. - (Frost) D20 (17) + 9 - 5 = 21; Right Harpy... down...

Then, "The Harpies keep flying around soaring through the air, eventually flying away." Hmm. No wonder it's called Harpy Valley. Onward, we travel for days through the "scalding deserts". Scald: injure with very hot liquid or steam. Desert: abandon. We don't know what it is we're traveling through but it apparently used to have lots of hot water. We travel through it for days. We are happy it's not something like a scorching dessert - that would be brutal to consume (though presumably would contain alcohol). We arrive at Khimesh, "now the heroes must decide which plan to use!" This is easy because we have an Orcish in the party. Plan A, please. Our Orcish leads us into the temple as if she was (should it be "as if she were"?) "taking them to the chieftain as a gift". Hah, sneaky, eh? You might think we've made an actual choice because we don't have to fight the guards. Actually, we kill them later because we didn't kill them now. Then we come to where "Bhol-Rhaul sits on his throne as sovereign ruler of the tribal Orcs." I've noticed a tendency for all rulers on this planet to be sovereign. Too bad for them, the doctrine of sovereign immunity is repudiated!

Bhol-Rhaul: "What are you vermin doing in my temple?"
Players: "Uhh... The relic?"
Bhol-Rhaul: "Fools! How dare you!?"

What exquisite dialog. So natural. It's just how people speak. Especially sovereign rulers.

He prepares for battle. Oddly, for a sovereign ruler sitting on his throne in his temple of all the tribal Orcs, Bhol-Rhaul is all alone and never summons any help. Yep, it's just the one sovereign orcish. All the tribal Orcs are uninvolved. Inexplicable. He doesn't actually initiate an attack phase, however. The next thing we read is "As the party defeats Bhol-Rhaul..." So... it's... a narrative success. Way to jump right over the vanquishing of the big, bad evil guy! A little box falls from his armor onto the ground. That's the thing we came for. Duh. Wow, that was a puzzler. A relic of Ezora. What an adventure!

I whip out my poorly cast iron dagger and castrate Bhol-Rhaul.

Game Master: "What will you do next?" (...whatever the script says we do next?)
Players: "Exterminate the remaining Orcs."
Game Master: "After doing what they had to do, the party readies to leave Khimesh."

Now wait one minute, here! We traipse into the throne room of the temple of the sovereign ruler of the tribal Orcs, kill him without any option, and on the way out we casually exterminate the remaining tribal Orcs. Wow. Kingdom-level extermination. Genocide. There's nothing like a really fast narrative wrap-up. Q: How many experience points do I get for that? A: None, because characters never improve in this game. Before we go, Mlle. I picks up Bhol-Rhaul's Spear and pronounces it "bitchin'". Mlle. I instructs us this is old Californian slang meaning Sa mirë! It's a magical item with a whopping ATK +5.

I whip out my poorly cast iron dagger and castrate the male portion of the exterminated Orcish. Perhaps it takes me a long time.

Task One turned out to be hugely disappointing and boring. We cleared Harpy Valley, killed the sovereign ruler of the tribal Orcs, got a magic spear, retrieved the magic relic, exterminated all the tribal Orcs, and didn't take a single hit point of damage or make a single decision, and only rolled dice for combat once. It's almost like reading a novel. A horrid novel. The adventure is so perfectly scripted that of course it needs no player input - why, they might damage the wonderful plot.

So. Next we are whisked away to another port district where a massive storm brews.

Game Master: "What do you do?"
Player: "Wait until the storm passes."
Game Master: "Perhaps not the most adventurous way to start your journey..."

First, it's not the start of our journey. Second, give some gals a break - we just exterminated all the tribal Orcs! (Our other option was to steal a boat and sail out into the storm. This option leads to everyone drowning. Vituperated or not, we chose... wisely.)

We have to spend some money substitute to book passage (fortunately we have some money substitute from the Elvan girl). We enter "The small nation although an archipelago should prove easy enough to navigate." We navigate that archipelago on our feet - "The party walks through a small market district." A random guy knows the other random guy we're looking for and points out his shop, even though we don't know who we're looking for. NPCs can be so helpful. This has been so anticlimactic. The promised roleplaying does not emerge. We're just narrated through it.

Krem O'hul: "How may I help you?"
Player: "We were sent to retrieve an ancient relic which we know is in your possession."
Krem O'hul: ...

He's a fast little freak, I give him that. Must be high on Krokodil.

Krem O'hul: HP 42; STR 5; END 10; SPI 10; SPD 7

Shardra - HP 55; Str 15; End 10; Spi 7; Spe 5
Mlle P. - HP 47; Str 14; End 13; Spi 9; Spe 4
Mlle I. - HP 51; Str 18; End 18; Spi 6; Spe 4
Mlle J. - HP 48; MP 9; Str 10; End 9; Wis 8; Spi 7; Spe 5

Krem O'hul - Super Ability Speed of Light Slash - 3d20 (16, 2, 13) - 10 = 21; Shardra takes 21 points of damage. At the speed of light. Ouch!

Shardra - Chop of the Twenty Blades D20 (7) + D12 (2) + D10 (4) + D8 (3) + D6 (6) + 1 - 10 = 13; Krem O'hul takes 13 points
Mlle J. - (Frost) D20 (20) + 9 - 10 = 19; Krem O'hul takes 19 points
Mlle P. - Yielding Devil D20 (17) + D12 (2) + D10 (3) + D8 (6) + D6 (3) + 1 - 10 = 23; Krem O'hul takes 23 points
Mlle I. - Yielding Devil D20 (20) + D12 (3) + D10 (4) + D8 (8) + D6 (1) + (Spear) 5 - 10 = 31; Krem O'hul takes 31 points

Looks like Krem O'hul has been holed. He's got a good, glottal name. Fun to say. Irish, maybe?

Krem O'hul: "Bastards... What have you done? (those were Krem's last words before dying)."

I like how Krem O'hul parenthetically points out what his last words were, thus replacing them with a banality. Not that they were spectacular to begin with.
Q: What were Krem O'hul's last words?
A: "Those were Krem's last words before dying."
Q: What words were?
A: "Those were Krem's last words before dying."
Q: Who's on First?

Game Master: "There's no sign of any relics so far, what do you do?"
Player: "Search the blacksmith's clothes."
Game Master: "In the blacksmith's clothing you find something that resembles a large and unusual key, not made of iron, but bone... Krem O'hul is dead and Kenjiwah is now without a leader. The consequences of your actions remain unclear at this moment and only time will tell of what will become of this nation."

The large, unusual, bone thing we discover while groping through Krem O'hul's clothing fortunately is not little Krem. It must be the other titular relic.

I whip out my poorly cast iron dagger and castrate Krem O'hul. Now I have little Krem.

Kenjiwah? So... a blacksmith... not even a sovereign blacksmith... was the leader of the nation? The archipelago is a nation? Another national leader that makes his living doing manual labor, has no bodyguards, and fights alone? Another national leader that instantly attacks hapless foreigners... (wait, that part is believable). This planet isn't Pluto, it's Goofy. And I don't care what becomes of it or any of its nations. Hopefully some alien plague virus will arrive and exterminate all living things. Including our characters. Then this stupid planet could be used with another game system that makes a bit of sense. As it is now, this planet is just a big spherical waste of interplanetary space.

Mlle P. grabs "Krem O'hul's Dai Katana" which has a potent magical bonus - ATK +4 SPD +1. I grumble that I took the damage but Mlle P. gets the reward. Look at this Krem-O'hul's-Dai-Katana-shaped hole in me. That's my blood on Krem O'hul's Dai Katana. Why do you get Krem O'hul's Dai katana? A: Because I picked it up. Ah, the steely grip of reason. It's now known as "Mlle P.'s Krem O'hul's Dai Katana". Has a good sound to it.

Continuing on, regardless of what we decide to do next, we arrive "at the sacred forest of Flora Sanctum after a two day journey through the continent of Thundra." I will tell you, we are jet-setting all around this planet, and it only takes us days to do it. As we get closer the Priestess greets us "wearing a revealing white silk dress and holding a complementing gold wand in her hands she glances at you with a charming smile and asks... Have you brought what was asked of you?" Yep. She tells us the world now will remain at peace though "It's unfortunate lives were lost in the process." Hey, we couldn't help it - all that slaughter was written into the script. It's easy to have a peaceful world once you've exterminated all the Orcish.

Player: "Glad we could help!"
Viessa Tranyl: "Should you need to rest, feel free to spend the night."
Game Master: "A new day emerges, the party is fully rested and ready to head back home..." blah blah blah "...Perhaps one day, another adventurer like yourself will find out."

Uh, perhaps. What's the word for when the adventurers willy-nilly murder everything they meet (including sovereigns and entire kingdoms full of Orcish), steal everything they find, and face no accountability? Is is... murderhobo?

Regarding the priestess wearing revealing clothes. Yes, the only physical details about any characters mentioned in the entire scenario are limited to the two females that appear. The one female kicks it off in her huntress garb and the other female shuts it down in her revealing white silk. Women are sexy and slutty and narrative bookends. What do any of the males look like? We don't know but who cares, all they do is attack. Men are violent and sovereign and form the narrative substance. From the rules that females take stat penalties to the revealing silk conclusion, this game is not only a horrible pile of idiocy - it's mysoginistic, too. Not surprising.

And Ezora? Appears only in the title.

Summary: Punch a concrete wall; you'll have more fun.
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Julio Felix
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Re: Bitchin'!
Wow you’re still at it. How come you’re so obsessed with my game? Here take a cyberbullying course.
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Very Stout
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Back and to the Left-
Up a Bit, Perfect
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An old liberal optimist
An Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf walk into a bar...
Re: Bitchin'!
Shardra, thank you for the early Christmas present! Definite stress relief during the season.
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Shardra The Castrator
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Just Girls
Come at me, bro!
Re: Session 2: Bitchin'!
Felixgamingx1 wrote:
Here take a cyberbullying course.

Thank you for this. Your 15 seconds in my spotlight has ended.
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